he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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