i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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