Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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