i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
