On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i already hear my dad disowning me
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
