Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
