Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm bleeding and have questions
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
