I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
