sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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