Cold hands, warm shart.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
