I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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