You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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