Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
