the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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