I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
