My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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