if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
