So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
