this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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