Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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