Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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