He uses pillows to masturbate.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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