God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Small penises have feelings too.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
