The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
