I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
