Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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