exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I looked at my own cervix.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Randomize
