My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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