He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
