I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
