I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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