I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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