i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
