You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
