I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
