There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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