I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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