Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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