I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
