One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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