Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
