First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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