i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
