Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
