my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
