He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
