when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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