just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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