Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
