Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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