even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
40s are totally the cure
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
