I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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