I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
