she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
