Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize