listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
