Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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