I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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