The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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